Harry Potter and the Philosophers Boner
by Astariel
Summary: Yet Another Sick Degrading Typically Perverted Fanfic about Harry Potter


Yet Another Sick Degrading Typically Perverted Fanfic Harry Potter and the Philosophers Boner  
  
Every magically inclined child dreamed of entering Hogwarts school of magic and wizardry, and why not? It was the perfect place in which to enhance ones magic powers and learn fascinating things that the muggle world knew little or nothing of. Each young wizard or sorcerer would diligently work towards being accepted into such a whimsical place, and checked their mail anxiously each morning hoping for a letter of acceptance. Among many that received these letters of acceptance, was a young sap named Harry Potter. Now Hogwarts wasn't going to be much of an improvement from home, but at the time, Harry didn't know that, so a magical school seemed like a cool place to go, considaring present circumstances.  
You see, Harry lived under the stairs of his cheap, butt-ugly and cruel aunt and uncle. To make matters worse they had an obese little fucker of a son named 'Dudley', on whom they doted on as if he were royalty. Harry just abided obediently like a lame and passive little bitch in his lice-ridden cupboard, hoping that all the little children out there would feel sorry for him, identify with his poor existance, pity him, and in turn buy his books so he could grow filthy rich and have a bigger cash bundle than the Queen of England. (And yes, that's the secret to sucess ladies and gentlemen..)  
Now his uncle and aunt combined had a lower IQ than a dead squirrell, so once they'd received the acceptance letters from Hogwarts, they burned them, threw them out, stuffed them up their asses, or/and did everything they possibly could to keep Harry from being able to go. This was incredibly stupid and inconsistent with the plot. Didn't they hate their nephew Harry? wouldn't they be pleased as punch to get rid of him? So what, he'd be magical! They'd only have to suffer him for two-three months of summer holidays--and heck, Harry'd be in his cheap little cupboard the whole time as usual, so wouldn't sending him to Hogwarts be ideal???  
Anyways.....  
Dumbledore saw Harry's so called 'worth' and chopped down an entire rainforest for paper so to send eight million and eighty-eight letters, hoping it would be nigh on impossible for the young wizards relatives to confiscate them all! It was a clever idea, except for the fact that nine thousand and fifty four species that had lived in that rainforest were now homeless, starving or dead already.  
But uncle fat-arse and aunt butch-butt weren't licked yet! They took Harry and their precious Dudley and stranded themselves in a lighthouse, far away (as they thought) from any Hogwarts personelle that might try to take their hated baggage of a nephew.  
So Dumbledore sent out his toughest cock-knocker--he'd have that boy! A massive bologna loaf of a man named Hagrid threw down the lighthouse door and waltzed straight into the room where Harrys aunt and uncle were having sadomasochistic sex, handcuffs, floggers, dom suits and all. Dudley, in the corner was yelling encouragement to his father; "that's it Dad! Give it to 'er!" while Harry lay paralyzed in fear on the floor, wishing he had a cupboard in which to escape the horrid sound effects!  
Hagrid annouced himself and the fact that he had a far bigger cockadoodle than Harry's uncle pencildick, and stooped down to Harry to present him with a birthday gift.  
"A...b-b-buuurrth..day giff-t-t?" sniffed Harry, "Ah'd never been given one of those befoah!" A tragic orchestral swell of violins flooded the room while Harry sobbed dramatically.  
"Oh f'gods sake, shithead! Open the gift!" huffed Hagrid.  
Harry tore off the naked-men wrapping-paper to reveal a penis-shaped cake.  
"Made it meself," said Hagrid proudly. "Modelled it after me own self."  
Harry stopped blubbering long enough to blink silently at the giant iced erection that towered from the box. "Thh-hhanks, I think..." he said.  
Hagrid smiled. "Yer welcome, now step on over here, while I tells you all about how yer ma and pa got savagely murdered.."  
"Yay! Storytime!" chirped Dudley.  
Halfway through the wholey depressing tale, they were interupted by some distrubing sucking noises. All in sundry turned about to see Dudley giving some sloppy class-b fellatio to Harry's cake.  
"I've had it wit dat kid!" huffed Hagrid, and with a wave of his wand, Dudley suddenly lost his manliness.  
"Huh?" said Dudley.  
"OHMIGOD DUDLEY! YOU HAVE A TWOT!" roared his father!  
Hagrid burst out laughing, as did Harry, and then they both rode off gaily (or should I say 'gay'ly) into the moonlight on Hagrids cheap crotchrocket.  
  
So people, are you royally disturbed? You know, I have nothing against Potter--I actually enjoy the series, but you'll notice that I love to trash on my favourite books, such as Lord of the Rings, and the movie Final Destination. Please reveiw-flame or whatever. 


End file.
